Day 5 phone on the horizon

Day5: curiouser and curiouser

Today's music had been AC/DC or Billie Holiday
I've noticed I wear a uniform, almost. Plaid or flannel shirt, dark tight jeans or pants. Occasionally I wear a knit tie to class up the ensemble
Also as a part of the outfit are one of these two hats
and converse or vans. This uniform is pretty standard, I fit right in. Cardigan optional . I was probably better off in the days where my mother used to dress me. She would put me in these huge Bill Cosby-esque sweaters with corduroy pants and nikes. I like having a general look, like a cartoon character, no surprises. Sometimes I'll wear an animal mask, creepy but fun. I'll probably be buried in this outfit. If I'm lucky I'll be buried in one of those animal masks

Today is the 1st day of the financial fast. This shit is just as horrible as you might think. I don't shop a lot, that's not my problem. My problem is eating out. I never cook, I'm horrible at it. I hate doing dishes and because I'm lousy at it, when I do cook it tastes like shit. Why bother when there is delicious food a phone call away? I'll tell you why because the $1333 I owe the IRS isn't going to pay itself. For breakfast I started off real strong. I had this awesome bagel, I figure this saving money thing won't be too bad.
But as usual my optimism is short-lived. I anticipated today's lunch to be disgusting and I lived up to my expectations . Having no bread in the fridge, there was bread but it expired Dec 17, I just took a can of tuna and put it in a little container. But a can of tuna isn't enough to feed a growing boy, so after some digging I found some black beans. Plopped about half the can in the container with the tuna threw that in the brown bag and went to work. Delicious.

I think the brown bag probably tastes better than the lunch I ate. You should have seen me choking down this tuna/black bean gruel at work today. I'm sure my breath couldn't have been pleasant either. I'd buy some mints but I can't since I'm only allowed to spend $$$ on necessities.

I still sometimes hear the phantom txt message tone of my iphone . It's weird because I'll hear the noise (that's clearly not there) and look for my phone for a split second, like the trained monkey I am, before reality hits. I'm really pissed that it was a black guy that took my phone. C'mon asshole don't promote shitty racial stereotypes . Prick. I wish it was a midget that stole it, that'd be so much more interesting to tell people. My friend Lauren Ashley came to visit me at work today. She dropped off this It's the original iphone. I bought it off her for $100. She's really sweet for helping me out. I stared at it for awhile before I decided that I'm not going to use it. I enjoy this no phone thing way too much. For the foreseeable future I will still be without phone. Check out Twitters concern for my phone.

Day 4 minus phone

Day 4: shampooing your pubes, hating chihuahua's

I don't want a phone. But I need one apparently. I think I could go on forever without one. I might be getting one soon though. As cheesy as it sounds I really do feel free. Some dude asked me how I was feeling today, I told him "great" and I meant it. I don't talk to anyone for most of the day, so I look forward to talking to certain people when I get home. Previously, I didn't look forward to talking to anyone, they were all there at my fingertips and I could give a shit.

I feel sick. I ate some pizza hut around 1030, hours later I still feel like I could barf. This should be a lesson to me, no self respecting new yorker should ever be eating pizza hut, it's blasphemy plain and simple. I can't help it though, I was raised on pizza hut which is ridiculous because both my parents are 3rd generation NY'ers and should know better. Woke up at Emily's, she was awesome and gave me a ride to work
She thinks it's a bad picture I think it looks fine. This reminds me, it's about time I got a legitimate license. I'm going to sign up for the test soon maybe take a lesson to know what to expect. Growing up here I've never really needed a car to get anywhere. I've been taking the MTA since I was about 12 maybe younger. But anytime I've left the comfort of the 5 boroughs I've been completely fucked. I didn't have a new years resolution but now I do, to stop driving illegally.

Work is pretty standard, maintain the store most days, other days help out with the gallery stuff. Nothing too crazy ever happens. Well there was this one time this maniac that lives above the gallery threw ice water on children dressed up as Ugly Dolls. Or this other time where a construction workers legs fell through the ceiling. Here's a shot of one of our preferred customers his name is Gravy. He's more fun than all your friends.
I hate little dogs, not one of these awesome french bull dogs but little ones, like chihuahua's. A lot of people in this town have little dogs. They're not cute, they look like rats. They're not your children they're animals, really ugly animals. They don't belong in your bag they belong in the garbage. Next time I see a chihuahua I'm buying it some pizza hut. Gravy, however, is amazing. He eats chihuahuas for breakfast, probably. A fly on Gravy's shit is cuter than one of those rat dogs. His owners come by and say hello. They even give us cool shit from Kiehls. Today I got this Thank you to James and his lady, who's name I can't remember at the moment.
The neutrogena is mine, facial scrub. So tonight my hair is thick my face is scrubbed my aging man skin has been fortified and I feel like puking because I've got a belly full of grade D pizza.

As I was in the shower with the Kiehls I was wondering if anyone shampoos their pubes. I mean really put the shampoo directly in the bush and lather it up real good get some conditioner in there too. I don't, but I figure someone has to be. It would probably have to be a dude who's doing that though. Most women I know aren't rocking a bush, a slight tuft of pubis maybe like a landing stripe but no 70's porno bush.

Also in the shower I was listening to a mix CD Emily made me, it was really good. But while I'm listening to it I'm already worried about how I'm going to reciprocate. I've never made a mixed cd before I'm not that kind of guy. I make fun of those kind of guys. You know that iconic scene in Say Anything... I'm almost certain I called that dude a fag the first time I saw that movie.

Tomorrow I'm starting a financial fast. Look it up. It's where you don't spend money on anything but necessities for 21days or a month depending on what site you look at. Generally they all mention God, but fuck God. He's got nothing to do with my money spending, so I'm going to omit him from the fast. So I'm going to pack a little brown bag for lunch tomorrow, I can't cook so I don't know what I'm going to put in that thing. Probably whatever I see before I leave for work. So potentially tomorrow I could end up with a can of tuna and a pop tart for lunch, yum.

I just vurped. fuck you pizza hut

Day 3 cont'd

Day 3 : part douche

Yesterday ran a bit long so I'm separating the days event's into two different posts.

After devouring that homemade pizza, I watched Mr. Deeds. The movie is kind of shit but I like it nonetheless. Adam Sandler kind of looks like a monkey and the idea of him getting a cute girl is offensive but I can get into his movies.
Another movie I watched was The Astronaut's Wife. Holy fuck this was a flaming piece of dog shit. Absolute garbage, the g/f insisted we watch it since johnny depp is in it and I stupidly agreed. I'm not going to bore you with a lengthy review but I will say this, in hindsight if given the option I would prefer to get my prostate examined without lube, by a doctor wearing a sandpaper glove. If you don't believe me check out the 16% rating it received at http://www.rottentomatoes.com
After the shitty movie choices there may have been some fornication. Looking back on last night, right after we were done watching Johnny Depp the wife seemed more into the idea of copulation. In that case I take back anything bad I wrote about that movie.

After the coitus we met up with a few of her co-workers out in Queens. It was pretty bad, the bar they were at was filled with those guido types you see only see on TV. Which is funny at first but it's like going to a drive through safari, it's all fun and games till a monkey shits on your windshield. Also the roided up bouncer who was missing a neck, and probably also missing normal sized testicles, told me to take off my hat. Fucking asshole. Must be because a place as classy as theirs can't be seen with guys wearing hats indoors, might give the establishment a bad name. Might get in the way of the beer pong. I'm just pissed because had I known I wasn't allowed to wear a hat I would have given myself a blow-out to fit in.

After bailing on that place, I stopped at CVS to pick up some lube. I saw a commercial for some new KY and asked the wife if she was game and she was . But she refused to go into the store with me to buy it. Personally I love buying shit like this, sometimes I buy porn or condoms just to buy it. I always make sure to hold awkwardly long eye contact with the clerk and make some asinine remark about the product. "$10 for the latest issue of Buttman? You've got to be kidding me!!" That last line is real one. I gave my friend Jeff Laub a copy of Buttman magazine for his birthday. To be honest I don't even know him that well. Even if I did know him that well, buying another dude ass-porn is ridiculous. So I walk to the condom aisle, which is always a fucking pain in the ass to find. Generally it's somewhere around the pharmacy but you've got to hunt for it.

I mean, condoms make it so you don't accidentally have a family, doesn't seem to make sense.
They had some real expensive KY for her , it was about $30 I thought about it but instead I got this

Whenever I'm in the condom aisle I think about buying Magnums, cutting them open and putting regular sized condoms inside those gold packets. Then I realize who the fuck would I be doing that for. Emily knows my dick size very well and it's not like she's going to think I had some growth spurt at 26, I wish.

Which reminds me of this time my friend went over this girl's place he'd been seeing for the first time. She brings him into the bedroom which was a mess, clothes everywhere etc. She leaves the room for a second and he starts taking a look around and he notices peering out from underneath a pile of clothing is a huge XXL freshly emptied magnum wrapper. He freaks, immediately starts thinking about some dude with a baseball bat cock tearing into this girl. He figures there's no way he could out-do this monster that had laid pipe right before him. He thought of a hot dog being thrown into a tunnel. She comes back into the room notices the condom and discreetly kicks it back underneath the pile. He still slept with her that night but couldn't come close to blowing his load, he couldn't get out of his own head.

3rd day , no phone

I'm actually really getting used to not having a phone. I know it's only the 3rd day and all but I'm actually being a lot more productive now.

Day 3: Filling the void

At the end of everyday I sit down to start writing this thing and I always think "shit , I've got absolutely nothing to write. My day was as boring as fuck" but sometimes I surprise myself.

For example, I didn't realize this but I sleep in my clothing a good amount of the time, sometimes more than once a week. I keep odd hours, right now it's 4:30am and I'm not tired. I might stay up straight through till tomorrow. But when I'm tired I pass out as if god just hit my off switch. And when I wake up 90% of the time I have a boner and 40% of the time I have a boner and I'm almost fully dressed, no shoes though. Also I can sleep up to 15hours at a time, like a fucking house cat. These random sleeping patterns really tend to produce strange dreams, for example last night's dream included giant giraffes and a pudgy young black gang remember whom I hugged because he was weeping.

I've been having more fun in the shower recently. And it's got nothing to do with my masturbation habits. Actually I've never been a jerkoff-in-the-shower kind of guy, despite the easy clean up. There was this one time I beat off into a friends sink, but I digress. The reason is for xmas someone bought me this Axe toiletry kit with a body scrubbing thing, conditioner, deodorant, etc. I never thought I'd use it until I ran out of shampoo one day and I was too lazy to walk down the block to get some more of whatever cheap shit I normally buy. So if you hug me and notice I smell nicer or feel softer, feel free to thank my mom for her lovely gift. Thinking about it now, she might have been trying to tell me something about my showering habits or greasy hair with this gift. Knowing her that must be it.

Speaking of Christmas gifts. One of my all time favorite gifts must be the one I received from Ms Alison Buatti. I finally got around to hanging it up in my room today. It's hideous and I can't take my eyes off it. This thing is fucking huge and awesome. I definitely feel like I should give it a name. Right now it's hanging up alongside this. This canvas print is huge, probably about 3' each side. Takes up a large part of the wall and looks ridiculous. If I didn't already have a g/f I can't imagine taking a girl back to my place and showing her this. Listen, I could give a fuck about Audrey Hepburn. I don't know much about her and I don't care to. So initially I was going to draw a big cock or some cum on her face but I'd like to save that artistic creativity for bathrooms and family portraits. Until I figure out what to do with her, she will remain untouched.

Tonight was also my date with my gf, we have weekly date nights to keep things fun and different, long term relationships can get boring if you let them get too routine, even when your bf is as crazy as me. We cooked our own pizza tonight, sooooo good.
Emily's a much better cook than me so basically I just help cut things, or handed her stuff as she needed them. She made me this awesome mocktail, part fruit punch mixed with apple juice and ginger ale.
Here's the finished results
Goddamn that pizza tasted good.
Thank you Rachel Ray, you'd be more attractive if you weren't so chunky.

2nd Day without phone

Day 2: Money can't buy me love, but it could buy me a bunch of cool shit


Just got in, it's around 3am. I didn't realize it was this late. Day 2 and I'm already kind of getting used to the fact that I can't call any one and, more importantly, they can't call me. Perhaps today seemed better because I've been listening to the Beatles all day. For xmas I bought Emily(the gf) Beatles Rock Band. Ever since then I've been on this Beatles kick so I d/l'ed their newly released box set. Their music is so good it's almost impossible to be an asshole while listening to it. Almost.
Today I woke up around the crack of noon, actually probably a few hours past noon. I didn't get to bed till 6 since I was working on a few drawings. Breakfast today was last nights leftovers, I like my breakfast food at night anyway. For example tonight's dinner was..
Yum, that goddamn bee gets me every time. Irresistible. I didn't have a lot on today's agenda. Mostly I just had to call the IRS to set up a payment plan, blood sucking mother fuckers. After talking to a dude with a southern drawl so thick I could barely understand what he was saying I figured out a reasonable payment agreement.

After that, the only thing left to do was swing by Paul's place a couple blocks away to help him with his iphone.
I jailbroke it for him awhile ago so he could use it for T-mobile. I did this for a couple reasons. First because he's an awesome dude, and second because I enjoy fucking over at&t or apple whenever I can.
Handsome dude. He lives with one of the funniest dudes I've ever met. Anyway after jailbreaking his phone again and watching some of "What a Girl Wants" I left. I also may or may not have showed him how to get free porn on his phone before I left. On a side note, that amanda bynes girl is hideous, really fugly. I checked out a couple recent pictures of her online and she looks like a tranny.
Off to Brooklyn

Which reminds me, taking the fucking train is crazy. I hope everyone eventually has the displeasure of riding the MTA once in their life. Between the homeless, the musicians, surprise construction and delays, and god knows what else, the place ends up being a fucking zoo. It's simultaneously hilarious, frightening and tedious. Lately I've caught myself just staring at the other inmates on my way to wherever I'm going. I've even taken pictures of them for god's sake!
I know this line of behavior is going to get me into trouble. I figure one day I'm going to take the picture of the wrong homeless gypsy musician and I'm going to get stabbed or thrown in front of a N train on the one day it arrives at on time.
In order to keep my eyes down during my train ride, which is where they belong I've been reading.
Ok back to today's events.

Went to a bar to say hello to a friend. Didn't stay for long. Long enough for a couple glasses of soda water, a taco, take a few pictures and I left.

I actually left without saying goodbye. Further solidifying my title as the king of the irish goodbyes. I'm the worst at bars. More like I'm the worst at any social gathering. For starters I'm horribly awkward to begin with, combine that with a general dislike of most people and not having anything to say in general almost always leads to shitty situations. Because I'll opt to do one of two things, 1 not speak to anyone (my favorite) or 2 say really obnoxious things to people I just met to piss them off. Horrible.

I have a date with Emily tomorrow it should be awesome, I'm really looking forward to seeing her. With any luck there should be some pizza and if I'm real good maybe some sexo too.

1st day without phone

I've decided to write about my day(s) without a phone.

Day 1: So far so bad

Usually I start my day really pissed when the alarm goes off. I lay in bed cursing for a few minutes, nothing coherent just pure expletives . After the cursing I check my email, txts, weather, things to do today, etc. For that I would use my phone. Fail. So instead I get dressed. and walk over to my computer. I see the g/f has emailed be which is great until I realize I'm horrible at writing and find it hard to express myself the way she does. In the past sending a text saying "I love you" or "looking forward to seeing you tomorrow" would be enough. Now I feel obligated to write as much as she does which is like pulling teeth.
After staring blankly at the screen for a few minutes I get dressed quickly so I'm not late to work.
I'm using the camera my gf got me for xmas to help paint a picture


Wait for the train in the cold. I'm really looking at my surroundings for the first time in awhile. Like a really jaded newborn what I see is the gray sky, the dead trees, the freak show that rides the MTA (myself included).


Saw this midgety mexican looking dude on the train today. He was fun to stare at for awhile. I kind of wanted to pick him up and take him to work with me. I could keep him in a book bag and take him on adventures.


I also notice people on their phones having a great time. So I look at them pathetically remembering the great times with my phone. There was this one dude on the train that barely looked up from his phone to see what stop it was, he didn't even notice me taking this picture of him. And his phone was a real piece of shit so I dunno what he was so enthralled by.

It's like I'm mourning the loss of a loved one. I'm more bummed now then I was when my uncle died, or when my cat died (the cat who I liked much more than the uncle)

Went to Mc Donalds to get breakfast
Got a Big Mac, Even now I know how gross of a choice that is but it seemed right at the time



After work I was wondering what to do, see a friend that was bartending stop by a friends house to visit maybe walk around get some coffee or something. But I realized without google maps handy I really don't know where the fuck I'm going, especially in Brooklyn. So I just went home. Defeated.


On the bright side, for dinner tonight I had some grilled chicken with black beans to make up for my shitty breakfast. I would have taken a picture but I was too hungry and in no mood for pictures. So use your imagination. Now on to some drawings I've been behind on, followed by going to bed maybe a masturbation session thrown in there somewhere just for good measure.

FTW (fuck the world)

looking at my old blog posts make me remember how much I loved booze. I still do, only now I don't drink.

A few things are going on in my life right now that I'd like to share with anyone crazy enough to read a blog of mine. Recently I received this really thick envelope in the mail. To my surprise it was from
Reading a little further.
sooooo fucked.
$1,142 I don't have because I'm a stranger to responsibility of all kinds, especially the financial kind. At this moment I'm scrounging together $$$ from anywhere to pay this off before I get hit with penalties or worse. Considering options like sperm donation or medical experimentation.

I've been picking up more shifts at work so I can get this paid off real quick, so far so good.

Until today, where some piece of shit low life mother fucker stole my iphone.
I set it down next to where I was working (for no more than 2minutes) and BAM the douche bag and my phone are gone.

I loved that phone more than I love most people. That phone had been better to me than my family, it kept me delightfully distracted from the shit hole that is my life. I now have to actually look at my surroundings rather than stare away blissfully at my phone. I must now look at people when they talk to me pretending like I give a shit about whatever it is they're saying. And for forcing me to sit wide-eyed to witness this shit show. I wish AIDS on the scumbag and his family. That's right, I hope he contracts some kind of super AIDS that's eats him up slowly and painfully and then somehow spreads to his family and loved ones.

God knows when I'll end up getting a new phone. So if you want to talk to me, you're fucked. Lets face it you were fucked if you wanted to talk to me to begin with. On to the next distraction


I leave you with a drawing of your humble narrator and his best friend, may it rest in peace. seriously I hope that dude gets super AIDS or least cancer