Day 11 Super Toilets, Bums, and Chapstick!

Day 11: Surprise surprise


I can't believe I've been writing this thing constantly for the past 10 days straight, personally I figured I would have bailed by day 3. A few people have told me I they were surprised that I'm a good writer, I think they're blowing smoke up my ass. If people were more honest they'd tell me they're more surprised that I'm not a complete idiot. I'm not sure how long I'll be doing this daily, but so far I'm still really into it. And it's not like I've got anything else better to do. Everyday I go out and take these pictures I think will be interesting to put on the blog, I jot down notes randomly throughout the day that might be fun to write about. Here's an example

My friend Jayrock's bathroom, it's beautiful, the kind of bathroom a dude could waste hours in. Also it's got this mirror that gives you a complimentary view of your dong, more than complimentary actually. Ladies you don't know what you're missing. I looked like I could be a porn star in this mirror. I've never taken or sent anyone a picture of little mike and the twins but if I were to start sexting it'd be in this bathroom (of course I'd beef up beforehand) .
But enough about my cock, here's something I've never understood about new toilets.
You've got that weird half moon looking button. I think it's supposed to be a half-way strong flush if you hit the smaller side. Useless, I've asked a few people and they all said they always hit the whole fucking button. I guess if it's piss you hit the little part and if you took a big burrito dump it's the big side. But what if you took a super strong piss? or a you pooped a couple of pellets? Too much trouble, I say do away with it. Oh if only we had Japanese Super Toilets, the kind that shoot water up your ass, or clean your vagine. Only problem is if you accidentally hit the clean-vagina button and you're a dude the water jets use your balls as punching bag.

Something I've noticed lately is the amount of bums riding the train. I don't know if it's because of the cold or economics or what. I'm concerned, I think they might be multiplying. I don't have any recent pictures of the bums I've been riding on the train with because I've been holding back, apparently photographing the impoverished while they're sleeping isn't funny to some people. The other night I was waiting forever for the goddamn train and in true MTA fashion the only ones that did pass looked like this. When I finally got on one it was like a hobo fiesta, the bum to human ratio was at least 2:1. Crazy apocalyptic, end of days type shit. I tried covering my face with my tshirt (like that's ever fucking helped) to keep the bum bacteria out of my mouth. At the next stop I run to the next train car only to find more of them wrapped tightly in their garbage bags and filth like a hobo sleepover. I miss the days of Rudy Giuliani, I have no idea what the fuck he did with all those bums but those dudes were nowhere to be found when he was mayor. Maybe we can use the bums as fuel, recycle them somehow.

My grubby looking cherry flavored chapstick, keeping my lips greasy and inviting.
Hmm, I didn't know there was SPF in there. I've got a few problems with chapstick. Firstly, I always end up losing mine before I finish it. I've never finished one, I've also never used up all the ink in a pen. Secondly, and most important, I can't seem to find any particularly heterosexual way to put this stuff on. The whole thing is very gay to me. It's this dark redish color, it's tiny, smells like cherry's, it looks like you can keep it in a special compartment in your purse right next to your tampons, everything about it screams "I love cock, can't live without it". Every time I reach for it and put it on, in order to not look feminine, I kind of mash it into my lips much like you'd imagine a child doing with a crayon, or some kind of retard, perhaps I look like a chimp mimicking human behavior. There must be a better way, but I dont think I've ever seen manly chapstick. And even if there were a chapstick that smelled like bacon and testosterone the application of it would still be womanly. Perhaps if you had another man apply it by smearing some on his knuckles then punching you in the face really hard. Until then, I'm doomed to look like Buffalo Bill for the rest of my days "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard. "

2nd Day without phone

Day 2: Money can't buy me love, but it could buy me a bunch of cool shit


Just got in, it's around 3am. I didn't realize it was this late. Day 2 and I'm already kind of getting used to the fact that I can't call any one and, more importantly, they can't call me. Perhaps today seemed better because I've been listening to the Beatles all day. For xmas I bought Emily(the gf) Beatles Rock Band. Ever since then I've been on this Beatles kick so I d/l'ed their newly released box set. Their music is so good it's almost impossible to be an asshole while listening to it. Almost.
Today I woke up around the crack of noon, actually probably a few hours past noon. I didn't get to bed till 6 since I was working on a few drawings. Breakfast today was last nights leftovers, I like my breakfast food at night anyway. For example tonight's dinner was..
Yum, that goddamn bee gets me every time. Irresistible. I didn't have a lot on today's agenda. Mostly I just had to call the IRS to set up a payment plan, blood sucking mother fuckers. After talking to a dude with a southern drawl so thick I could barely understand what he was saying I figured out a reasonable payment agreement.

After that, the only thing left to do was swing by Paul's place a couple blocks away to help him with his iphone.
I jailbroke it for him awhile ago so he could use it for T-mobile. I did this for a couple reasons. First because he's an awesome dude, and second because I enjoy fucking over at&t or apple whenever I can.
Handsome dude. He lives with one of the funniest dudes I've ever met. Anyway after jailbreaking his phone again and watching some of "What a Girl Wants" I left. I also may or may not have showed him how to get free porn on his phone before I left. On a side note, that amanda bynes girl is hideous, really fugly. I checked out a couple recent pictures of her online and she looks like a tranny.
Off to Brooklyn

Which reminds me, taking the fucking train is crazy. I hope everyone eventually has the displeasure of riding the MTA once in their life. Between the homeless, the musicians, surprise construction and delays, and god knows what else, the place ends up being a fucking zoo. It's simultaneously hilarious, frightening and tedious. Lately I've caught myself just staring at the other inmates on my way to wherever I'm going. I've even taken pictures of them for god's sake!
I know this line of behavior is going to get me into trouble. I figure one day I'm going to take the picture of the wrong homeless gypsy musician and I'm going to get stabbed or thrown in front of a N train on the one day it arrives at on time.
In order to keep my eyes down during my train ride, which is where they belong I've been reading.
Ok back to today's events.

Went to a bar to say hello to a friend. Didn't stay for long. Long enough for a couple glasses of soda water, a taco, take a few pictures and I left.

I actually left without saying goodbye. Further solidifying my title as the king of the irish goodbyes. I'm the worst at bars. More like I'm the worst at any social gathering. For starters I'm horribly awkward to begin with, combine that with a general dislike of most people and not having anything to say in general almost always leads to shitty situations. Because I'll opt to do one of two things, 1 not speak to anyone (my favorite) or 2 say really obnoxious things to people I just met to piss them off. Horrible.

I have a date with Emily tomorrow it should be awesome, I'm really looking forward to seeing her. With any luck there should be some pizza and if I'm real good maybe some sexo too.

1st day without phone

I've decided to write about my day(s) without a phone.

Day 1: So far so bad

Usually I start my day really pissed when the alarm goes off. I lay in bed cursing for a few minutes, nothing coherent just pure expletives . After the cursing I check my email, txts, weather, things to do today, etc. For that I would use my phone. Fail. So instead I get dressed. and walk over to my computer. I see the g/f has emailed be which is great until I realize I'm horrible at writing and find it hard to express myself the way she does. In the past sending a text saying "I love you" or "looking forward to seeing you tomorrow" would be enough. Now I feel obligated to write as much as she does which is like pulling teeth.
After staring blankly at the screen for a few minutes I get dressed quickly so I'm not late to work.
I'm using the camera my gf got me for xmas to help paint a picture


Wait for the train in the cold. I'm really looking at my surroundings for the first time in awhile. Like a really jaded newborn what I see is the gray sky, the dead trees, the freak show that rides the MTA (myself included).


Saw this midgety mexican looking dude on the train today. He was fun to stare at for awhile. I kind of wanted to pick him up and take him to work with me. I could keep him in a book bag and take him on adventures.


I also notice people on their phones having a great time. So I look at them pathetically remembering the great times with my phone. There was this one dude on the train that barely looked up from his phone to see what stop it was, he didn't even notice me taking this picture of him. And his phone was a real piece of shit so I dunno what he was so enthralled by.

It's like I'm mourning the loss of a loved one. I'm more bummed now then I was when my uncle died, or when my cat died (the cat who I liked much more than the uncle)

Went to Mc Donalds to get breakfast
Got a Big Mac, Even now I know how gross of a choice that is but it seemed right at the time



After work I was wondering what to do, see a friend that was bartending stop by a friends house to visit maybe walk around get some coffee or something. But I realized without google maps handy I really don't know where the fuck I'm going, especially in Brooklyn. So I just went home. Defeated.


On the bright side, for dinner tonight I had some grilled chicken with black beans to make up for my shitty breakfast. I would have taken a picture but I was too hungry and in no mood for pictures. So use your imagination. Now on to some drawings I've been behind on, followed by going to bed maybe a masturbation session thrown in there somewhere just for good measure.