Day 23: iPad, Unemployment Insurance

Day23:

I've lost my appetite since I've been sick. I lost about 5lbs so far. I also lost my sexual appetite. Tried to jerk off the other night, everything was going the way it usually does, but no pay off, no money shot. With out getting too graphic lets just say their were bullets in the chamber but my gun wasn't firing. After trying for about 20minutes I had to give up. I tried everything, pulling out every hot image in my mental spank bank, I used tube gals to watch some classic scenes that get me every time, but nothing. So I worked out my pent up frustration on Call of Duty.
Yesterday's post was about Gay cities, keeping things in the same vein, here's the iPad
Huge disappointment. As a nerd, I haven't been this let down since the Phantom Menace. No camera, no flash, no usb ports, works on AT&T(ugh), the screen isn't 4:3 so you can't watch widescreen, it's basically a huge fucking iPhone but without the phone.

So I'm on unemployment which is awesome, free money. But it's not quite free, I have to show up to this.Awesome. I can't wait to see the people that go to this, expect pictures. So I'm working on my resume, who knows maybe they'll find me a job as a janitor somewhere. Exciting.




Appetite is back, I promise this didn't taste as gross as it looks. Pepperoni time.

Day 22 Gay Cities, Lethal Weapon

Day22: Briefly snowed today

Still sick, I stayed at the g/f's yesterday never really left her bed so I didn't get a chance to post.


I came across this article yesterday Gayest Cities in America | Destinations | Advocate.com
NYC didn't make the cut. I figured this must be some kind of mistake. So I did a little research (I typed in "gayest cities" in Google search) and I found this.

And again, Nyc isn't on the list. Shameful. Quite frankly, I'm disappointed in you gays. There must be some way to gay up this town. I know a ton of dude's that're probably gay or mostly gay. I've got this one friend who loves show tunes , another who goes to a fashion school, they got to be gay. This one dude I know his g/f is ugly enough to be a man, so that practically makes him a mo. Anyway, I demand a recount!

Here's something not gay at all.
Emily's rented this for us to watch. I had wanted to watch this since I'd never seen it, to sum it up in one word, phenomenal. Danny Glover had me at "I'm too old for this shit"
I really do prefer watching movies like this to something foreign, or independent. Explosions, violence, 80's hair, 80's titties and copious cocaine use, color me there. Doubt my review? check out the 90% rating on Rotten Tomatoes

Day21 Living at home, Interracial Couples

Day21: I never blow my nose

I'm losing my mind being in this place. I still live at home but I'm rarely ever here when I'm healthy. Maybe you're thinking "Well since he lives with his family maybe his mom takes care of him or something" Fuck no, my relationship to them is more like that of a boarder. I pay them rent, buy/cook my own food, do my own laundry, generally fend for myself, they're more like roommates, old, crazy, weird roommates. Why not stay at my g/f's? I don't want her getting sick either. Over here it feels like the inmates are running the asylum. With my dad and his beer belly walking around in his underwear, my mother talking to the cat as if it were a toddler. I have the distinct pleasure of hearing them arguing about anything they can, earlier today I overheard shouting about "Who moved the vacuum cleaner"

But enough about my home life, I was thinking about something earlier today, interracial couples.(Oof, that Seal's face, jesus christ. What is that, burn scarring ? birth defect? he kind of looks like a black Freddy Krueger) I'm not opposed to it in any way, who cares, but I do notice myself thinking "Hey look at that!" when I see an interracial couple. I when I google "interracial couple" it's 90% black/white, and 10% porn. An oversight, they left out my favorite pairing.

My favorite kind of couple to see is the Asian guy/ White girl combo. I usually think "Good job, asian dude". Sometimes I think "Hey maybe she's got some kind of asian fetish or "yellow fever". Only because I don't believe I've ever heard a girl say "Hey look over there at that smoking hot asian guy" The most popular combo has got to be the reverse, White guy with asian girl, I don't think I've ever met a white guy who didn't have a thing for asian broads, some have it worse than others. I knew this one dude who's yellow fever was so strong that not only would he only date asian girls, he couldn't tell the ugly ones from cute ones, a regular Woody Allen.

Then I remember, wait I'm in one of those relationships too.
With me being colombian (but looking like I hail from the orient) and the g/f being a mixed bag of caucasian, perhaps people look at me and think "Hey look at that asian dude with the white girl" eh fuck it.

Because I never blow my nose, during the writing of this blog I had both nostrils plugged up with tissue.

Day 20 Winking, NyQuil, Midgets

Day 20: Better Feeling

I haven't eaten anything in about 24hours, So I'm currently choking down this.Really nasty, although I love Aunt Jemima, she could get it. Her cooking beats any of my real Aunts real day.
My fever is down today, awesome.
Just ran to the store to buy some of these, but I didn't grab any dayquil. So I think I might just take them and be really groggy and out of it today
But enough about my illness.

You know what's an asshole move? This
That's right, one of the calling cards of the cheesy/assholey. The Wink. When did winking become acceptable? I've never seen anyone successfully pull of the wink, I've tried myself and I always feel like a complete douche bag. I've got a friend who will occasionally wink at me and I'm caught off guard every time. I usually reply with a double take, followed by a "are-you-kidding-me?" face.

I've decided that I need some kind of sidekick. I was thinking a midget would be perfect.

I know midgets aren't pets. But I could definitely take care of one. I could see it now, my little friend and I , dressing up as cowboys and getting into all kinds of shenanigans.
The only problems is, where does one find these mythological creatures? And let's say I go midget hunting and I find their little village somewhere. Once I wrangle one from out of their tree house, how do I tame it? And how many wishes do I get? So complicated, but worth it.

Day 19 Sickly, How little I know about women

Day 19: Bed Rest

Yesterday I was a complete invalid. Had a crazy fever, was shivering, all that awesome stuff. I also haven't eaten in 24 hours. I don't mind the aches and pains so much, what bothers me is laying in bed all day w/o any distractions. I'm a bit of a neurotic, so when I'm laying there I'm left alone with my thoughts, it's awful. I only left the house once to go to Rite Aid to get some Cold Eeze.
The Cough/Cold aisle was the busiest section in the whole place.

As I was laying in bed I realized how bad I am with women, truly horrible. Under normal circumstances I'm very awkward and bit a of a weirdo, and when I'm around women it's that much worse.It's a miracle that I'm not still a virgin. I was trying to find a complimentary word to describe a girl who's curvaceous. I don't think one exists. I've tried shapely, voluptuous, thick, hour-glass figured, I even pulled out rubenesque once. Apparently none of those are something a woman wants to be called. I have a few guy friends that are amazing at talking to and relating to women, I call them girl-whisperers. So like my girlfriend has told me before "You're prettier when you don't speak", my approach is, just smile and nod. Here's something I've noticed, almost every girl I've ever met, regardless of race, shape, age, background, have been to some kind of fortune teller, tarot card/palm reader, or at the very least check out their horoscope from time to time. I mean really intelligent, beautiful women from everywhere seem to be kind of into that sort of thing. I've even had a couple girls tell me they think astrology is bullshit but still be curious anyway, I love that.

"I love women, I have all their albums"



Things could be worse, this could be your passenger-side window.

Day 18 Stupid Cough

Day 18: I think I'm getting sick, fuck

I slept from 7pm to 7am. I woke up feeling like ass. Being sick is the worst. I'm already kind of a grumpy prick to begin with, this is the icing on the asshole cake. . I'm in cold-denial at the moment. So I'm holding off on buying things like this
I'm starting off with some vegetable soup, gross
On the bright side it's not like I had anywhere I needed to be, also it's an excuse not to go out and do shit I don't want to. Speaking of something I didn't want to necessarily do, I went to my friends Dave's going away party the other night at his job. Originally I was going to bail, but I decided to go at the last minute after about an hour debate in my head. I did take something from his job that I found. Look at this huge ass picture of a couple douche bags from god-knows-where. I'm going to either paint over it or paste shit to it or burn it, or something.
I even thought of hanging it up just for the sheer randomness of it. Look at these poor people, have you ever seen smiles so fake?. It's as if the cameramen asked them to do their best impersonations of what happy people do in pictures. Caricatures of real people. She has the face of someone mid-enema.

Ok, I'm ending this here, keeping it short.There's a bunch I want to write about but this vegetable soup is really gross, feel like I could yak. I'm drinking orange juice by the gallon-full. If I do leave the house today It'll only be to cough on doorknobs.

Day 17: Stewardess', Waiters, Pierce Brosnans wife

There's a reason why I didn't go to bed and maybe I'll talk about it tomorrow. I'm in no mood to own up to it tonight.

Day 17: Lazy Friday

Here's something I've found to be true throughout my 26 years here, anyone named Michael is kind of a dick head. It's just a fact, I say this with the utmost certainty and with more than a bit of self awareness. The grocery store clerk who laughed at my Haiti joke, his name tag read Michael, the kid that ratted me out to Mrs. DiMartino in the 3rd grade for bringing in pornography, his name was Michael too, prick. Despite those two fine bookends I can offer this blog or sworn testimony by many of the people I offend on a daily basis. Consider this a warning, a heads-up, my public service announcement to you, don't waste your time with us, we're a lost cause.

I hate that I'm not supposed to say waiter or waitress anymore. Also, you can't say stewardess.
There are some words that people shouldn't say that are justified, like the N-word, that makes sense, that shit is serious, but stewardess and waiter? C'mon, no one wants to say "Server". I still say midget and retard, and eskimo only because the first two can't really fight back(retard is debatable because they have uncanny strength) and I don't know any eskimos.That was the southwest uniform in the 60's, holy smokes. I've flown a shitload of times, I've never seen any particularly hot "flight attendant". Nothing that comes even close to the girls in the photo above. I think the last couple times I was on plane it was mostly dudes, they should make the dudes wear those ridiculous old uniforms. Btw I call guys stewardess' too.

I'm the clumsiest bastard you will ever meet. Which is the reason, according to my mother, why I can't have nice things. Here's some evidence.
But the old lady might be onto something, I break all the nice things I own, if it's made of glass or fragile, there's a good chance I'll fuck it up. I've worked my way through 7ipods, the 2 Iphone's I owned, before there were stolen, had cracks in the screens. Shit I've even broken myself a couple times. I'm full of bruises, cuts, scrapes, burned my arm the other day during an attempt at cooking.

Never forget, things could always be worse. You could marry a beautiful women one day, and wake up next to a whale the next
Forget about the impoverished, you should send your prayers to Pierce Brosnan, poor bastard. I mean he's not exactly the picture of fitness but at least he's trying to keep his shit together. This is the stuff I have nightmares about. When I first saw her picture I thought I was looking at amateur photography of marine life. Here's another shot of her hanging out on the beach with a friend.What's worse is he's stuck, he can't tell her she's fatass, and unattractive he has to pretend he still finds her attractive. While he's searching her folds for a vagina he must be thinking of better times, no way are his eyes open when they bone. It's practically beastiality.

Day 16 Watching Shitty TV, Informercials galore

Day 16: Pumping Up

My day's tend to blend together, the past few blog entries I've have to double check to make sure I've got the right day, as my friend Ashley pointed out I had written day 10 twice. I've been at my g/f's for the past few days, camera battery died so any pictures I use to illustrate my point will be made via some googled image. Since I'm no Cartier-Bresson so you're not missing much.

I'm writing part of today's blog around 5am. Infomercials and other late night ads have never been better. Being at my g/f's place is always interesting, here is where 99% of my TV watching takes place, whether I like it or not.

This is what I watched tonight. Looking at tonights line up, if my heterosexuality wasn't in question before ...

So I started off the night with this show called My Life as Liz on MTV. It is completely lame that I'd watch this, absolutely. But I'm not going to shit on it, this girl makes me laugh. It's shot in that MTV style of documentary about a girl's senior year of high school. It's probably completely scripted in which case the writing is good you should check it out.
Followed up by this masterpiece in cinematographyWhat can I say about this movie that you haven't already thought of. If you haven't seen it in awhile or have never seen it let me remind you of a scene. Arnold Schwarzenegger is flying an F16 with his daughter hanging off the cockpit while getting into a knife fight with a terrorist, while shooting at another group of terrorists in a helicopter. I don't care what you say about this movie, Jamie Lee Curtis definitely looks like someone who might have a penis between her legs.

And to top of the night, Buffy the vampire slayer. I have no excuse here. It was 4am we were channel surfing, I don't know what happened. Forgive me. It was horrible, absolutely horrible.

The most interesting shit on TV isn't these crappy movies or shows, it's the infomercials that air in those insomnia hours that only degenerates like your truly are awake. Here are some that you may have seen or heard of.

HSUS is the Human Society, their commercials are just freakish and depressing. They pull no punches and are ruthless in going for your heart strings. They do this by showing you picture after picture of mutilated eyeless and ear less dogs and cats for what seems like forever. In the end you almost want to give them money just to stop airing those ads. The whole time, while this dog/cat freakshow montage is working it's magic, fucking Sarah Mclachlan is playing in the background. This made no sense at first, until I realized it's to torture us as well so we'd want to mutilate ourselves like the animals. "Music to mutilate to" Hell, just talking about it makes me want to gouge out my ears right now.
These are just some images I picked up from google, apparently according to that cat there's shit the HSUS doesn't want you to know, but shes got both her eyes and ears so I wouldn't trust her.

The title says it all. Guys Gone Wild.
So many choices, how can one choose between Spring Break or Pool Party? Jesus H, look at those dvd covers, can they stress anymore that these are "ALL REAL" or " NOT ACTORS" thou doth protest too much Guys Gone Wild! There's no way actual women are buying these right? The dudes in these videos can't be straight, or that stupid. Either way I know what I'm getting my dad for next christmas.






This is by far, the best infomercial of them all. Check out the dude doing it 1 handed at 0.25 He must be a real pro. At 0.49 this dude's smiling from ear to ear. At 0.59 that dude hasn't been pumped like that in a long time.

Day 15 Nylon Guys, Fast food, Donations

Day:15 Feeling selfish



It's official, I'm going through fast food withdrawal. I've been eating a lot better, sure, I've even lost about 5lbs or so but that doesn't make it any easier.


I recently decided to subscribe to Nylon guys, it was something really cheap and I was bored. Bad call, really bad call on my part because this magazine is pure shit. Pictures are lousy, writing is boring, most of what's in there I could give a shit about, really disappointing. Don't believe me? Pick up an issue I dare you, better yet piss away the $7 like I did. Maybe this magazine will make better toilet paper, or insulation for some bum's sleeping bag.Fuck Jared Leto, I don't even consider "Thirty Seconds to Mars" music.

I mixed up some guacamole yesterday, so good, put it on a burger with bacon and smoked gouda.Vanilla chocolate chip ice cream was purchased today for $2.50. Hell yes, those milkshake's aren't going to make themselves.

At least 10 times a day I'm asked to give to some charity, if not through the internet or people's facebook messages, or TV commercials it's from somewhere else. Yesterday it was from the cashier at the grocery store he tried to get me to give to some Haitian fund, I basically told him to go fuck himself, well I really said "I have strict policy's about giving to the homeless". I was joking of course, listen what's happened is horrible and I feel sort of bad in a kind of wow-that-sucks-for-someone-that-isn't-me way but c'mon I'm on a financial fast and I'm jobless. Btw, my policy on giving away money to someone less fortunate goes like this; If you can entertain me some how you've earned my money, like the blind dude that plays the violin on the N train, but to this day no Haitian has ever entertained me. My girlfriend said to me "You'd feel better donating some money" She couldn't be any more wrong, I don't get any false sense of joy or accomplishment by tossing away $10 assuming that it'll go to some starving kid somewhere. Maybe I'll donate my Nylon Guys' issues.

Don't listen to me, it's the fast food withdrawal talking.
When the financial fast is over I'm taking a road trip out to Jersey to go here

Day 14 Breakfast, Haters Ball, Food debt

Day 14: Morning Edition

Here's a special morning post for anyone killing time at work. Because I've been going to bed around 7am again my end-of-the-day blog posts go up around 5 or 6pm. It's fucked up I feel like I'm always up around this time regardless of what I have to do the next day. So I'm trying to fix this by waking up earlier and going to bed at a decent hour no matter what.

When I wake up, it's almost always cranky. I've been this way since I was a kid. And as I've said before I wake up cursing, either out loud or in my head. I don't know who or what I'm cursing at, I'm assuming it's the whole world. It's easy for me to hate things in the morning. Here are a few that are coming to mind

I hate Morrissey, fucking can't stand this dude. I hate that stupid voice. I can get into maybe 2 Smiths songs in spite of this douche, I even hate people that look like this dick.
I hate dancing. It looks stupid to me, moving around to music, my ass. Fuck dancing and people who do it.

Most important of all, I hate tropical islands, all of them. I hate the sand, too much sun, people that are barefoot, feet, I HATE seeing anyone's feet (including when they're in flip-flops or sandals) surfing, surfing is stupid, surfers are worse, fuck Jack Johnson. It really pisses me off when people refer to Hawaii as "paradise", it sounds so asinine, so boring. I'd take the cold NYC gutter any day over "paradise".

Since I've been on this financial fast I've saved some money, but the few times I have gone out with friends they've paid for me. It's a nice gesture but I'm keeping track of who I owe what, and I'm starting to rack up this friendship food debt.
I owe my friend Bulo a burrito for the other night.
I owe Andy a dunkin' donuts bow tie, Also according to nutritional facts I also owe myself some sit ups.
I owe Tbag some gravy fries from a couple nights ago at St. Dymphna's. And a Cab ride.And Jimmy bought me a burger at Burger Barn the other night, shit was so good. I don't think I've left anyone out but let me know and I'll put you on the list.

Day 13 Ton's Of Crap On My Mind

Day 13: Ribbed for your pleasure


I think I'm in a better mood tonight because I just got laid. I had to pee the whole time, right after I went to the bathroom, felt like razorblades, hate it when that happens.

I'm not a "people" person. I have a general dislike for most. But I'm more than ok with that, I'm fine hanging out alone. It's only when I'm forced to interact with others that leads to my frustration. Life is about the the little things, nothing pisses me off more than the fucking little things. The big stuff doesn't bug me as much
"Hey, your fired" Ok, cool, that sounds about right"
"Your phone's stolen" "Sucks, karma got me again, I'll deal"
"By the way, your adopted" "No shit, thanks for the heads up, Mom"
I'm fine with all that, but what gets to me is the asshole who's decided to take a stroll down a busy sidewalk. The person who's been waiting on line with you for 10minutes and when he gets to the front starts to look at the goddamn menu. The dickhead that doesn't walk up the escalator.
Cabs are a pain in the ass too, everyone fumbling around for money and correct change/tip. Same thing goes for restaurants, my parents are the worst at that, they just sit there and read the menu like it's the Times. Dinners are the worst, when I hear people getting together for a "nice dinner" to me that sounds like my own personal hell. I'm serious, I've recently started to put my foot down, I refuse to go to dinners that involve more than 4 people. Just based on the fact that I've never been to a big dinner where someone didn't get fucked when the bill came, there's always one or two assholes that didn't pay enough.

I was trying to shit on one of my friends for watching Jersey Shore the other day, which made me wonder about the type of garbage I watch on TV. (side note: I absolutely despise this show I wish an earthquake would've hit Jersey)When I'm at emily's I tend to watch whatever she's watching, which tonight was fashion police and keeping up with the kardashians, after awhile I start to feel like shit, I can feel what's left of my mind turning to mush. I don't watch TV, but it's not because I'm some stuck up snobbish asshole I just don't own a TV, my parents do. They'll watch Law & Order for about 14hours straight without breaking a sweat, but I listen to music or podcasts mostly.
I've been listening to this mostly, occasionally listening to This American life, that Ira Glass dude is the shit. Oh and everyday almost religiously I listen to this guy
It's about 1:43am and I'm going to try to go to bed, emphasis on the try part. I've got a big day ahead tomorrow of sitting on my ass until my girlfriend gets home from work.

I'll leave you with dessert tonight, pound cake and nutella

Day 12 Tbag, Tube Gals, Forced Celebacy

Day 12: Burned my tongue on some hot spinach dip

Today I ventured out in the rain to hangout with my friend Terence (Tbag) today. This dude pees about once every 10 minutes, he's got the bladder of 3year old. And he was certain people would want to come hangout today because tomorrow's Martin Luther King day. No one really came to hangout, since I'm without job everyday for me is MLK day. Tbag was kind enough to share a free porno website with me. I just looked it up on my iphone. I was telling him that I used my iphone to watch adult films and that most people do.

According to Google trends "iphone porn" has been atop their most searched phrases for years. Someone I know once told me he beat off in an airplane bathroom using his iphone, it wasn't me I swear. I get way to anxious flying to get anywhere near hard enough to jerk off, fucking hate flying. When it comes to spanking the monkey kids have it so easy nowadays with the internet and computers. No more using magazines or watching your dad's old VHS stash to choke the bishop. Shit you can use two hands now since you don't have to worry about holding the magazine steady while you're flipping pages. You should've seen the nasty 70's porno bush I was subjected to during my formative years, a real shame.

You can probably tell it's been a few days since I've been laid, it's that time of the month for the old lady. So it's not so surprising that I've got jacking-the-beanstalk on my mind. She's not into sex during her days, it doesn't matter to me at all, it'll take more than a little blood to slow me down. I'm definitely cranky.