Day 11 Super Toilets, Bums, and Chapstick!

Day 11: Surprise surprise


I can't believe I've been writing this thing constantly for the past 10 days straight, personally I figured I would have bailed by day 3. A few people have told me I they were surprised that I'm a good writer, I think they're blowing smoke up my ass. If people were more honest they'd tell me they're more surprised that I'm not a complete idiot. I'm not sure how long I'll be doing this daily, but so far I'm still really into it. And it's not like I've got anything else better to do. Everyday I go out and take these pictures I think will be interesting to put on the blog, I jot down notes randomly throughout the day that might be fun to write about. Here's an example

My friend Jayrock's bathroom, it's beautiful, the kind of bathroom a dude could waste hours in. Also it's got this mirror that gives you a complimentary view of your dong, more than complimentary actually. Ladies you don't know what you're missing. I looked like I could be a porn star in this mirror. I've never taken or sent anyone a picture of little mike and the twins but if I were to start sexting it'd be in this bathroom (of course I'd beef up beforehand) .
But enough about my cock, here's something I've never understood about new toilets.
You've got that weird half moon looking button. I think it's supposed to be a half-way strong flush if you hit the smaller side. Useless, I've asked a few people and they all said they always hit the whole fucking button. I guess if it's piss you hit the little part and if you took a big burrito dump it's the big side. But what if you took a super strong piss? or a you pooped a couple of pellets? Too much trouble, I say do away with it. Oh if only we had Japanese Super Toilets, the kind that shoot water up your ass, or clean your vagine. Only problem is if you accidentally hit the clean-vagina button and you're a dude the water jets use your balls as punching bag.

Something I've noticed lately is the amount of bums riding the train. I don't know if it's because of the cold or economics or what. I'm concerned, I think they might be multiplying. I don't have any recent pictures of the bums I've been riding on the train with because I've been holding back, apparently photographing the impoverished while they're sleeping isn't funny to some people. The other night I was waiting forever for the goddamn train and in true MTA fashion the only ones that did pass looked like this. When I finally got on one it was like a hobo fiesta, the bum to human ratio was at least 2:1. Crazy apocalyptic, end of days type shit. I tried covering my face with my tshirt (like that's ever fucking helped) to keep the bum bacteria out of my mouth. At the next stop I run to the next train car only to find more of them wrapped tightly in their garbage bags and filth like a hobo sleepover. I miss the days of Rudy Giuliani, I have no idea what the fuck he did with all those bums but those dudes were nowhere to be found when he was mayor. Maybe we can use the bums as fuel, recycle them somehow.

My grubby looking cherry flavored chapstick, keeping my lips greasy and inviting.
Hmm, I didn't know there was SPF in there. I've got a few problems with chapstick. Firstly, I always end up losing mine before I finish it. I've never finished one, I've also never used up all the ink in a pen. Secondly, and most important, I can't seem to find any particularly heterosexual way to put this stuff on. The whole thing is very gay to me. It's this dark redish color, it's tiny, smells like cherry's, it looks like you can keep it in a special compartment in your purse right next to your tampons, everything about it screams "I love cock, can't live without it". Every time I reach for it and put it on, in order to not look feminine, I kind of mash it into my lips much like you'd imagine a child doing with a crayon, or some kind of retard, perhaps I look like a chimp mimicking human behavior. There must be a better way, but I dont think I've ever seen manly chapstick. And even if there were a chapstick that smelled like bacon and testosterone the application of it would still be womanly. Perhaps if you had another man apply it by smearing some on his knuckles then punching you in the face really hard. Until then, I'm doomed to look like Buffalo Bill for the rest of my days "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard. "